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work, mess, work, mess…

Sometimes it just feels that I’m stuck in an endless cycle… go to work, come home and clean up a mess, and repeat, ad nauseum til the end of time. It seriously doesn’t end. The crumbs and dried cheese and dirty floors and cat poop… what would it be like to come home to a clean environment? I just have no idea. I know that this is life and it shouldn’t bother me so much, but it does. I really does. I hate it. I wish I lived in a hotel room and a maid came every day. I wish I was in a pristine, spartan environment. I would feel so much better. I used to love going to my aunt’s house as a kid because she is OCD (maybe I take after her) and has a spotless house all the time. She never had to work full-time (then) so maybe that’s how she did it. Also, I just worked 5 out of 6 days. Maybe that doesn’t sound so crazy to those who work Mon-Fri jobs, but I’m there from 6:30 am to 8:30 pm… just answering demands all day. Constant demands. Messes, crises, other people’s shit… and then come home to a nasty house, a kid who is wound up from missing me and eating junk food, and I just feel like… how is this my life? There has to be more to life than this, there just […]

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disturbed, yet again, by school

Many kids (and parents) are getting ready for back-to-school on social media, and some friends who have 4 and 5-year-olds entering kindergarten are crowd-sourcing answers to some of their parenting questions. Issues revolve around how to ‘ease the transition’, and basically get their kids to not be so terrified. The whole idea is kind of, well, terrifying. I mean, we’re so indoctrinated as a society to think that school is as necessary as showering and brushing our teeth, that we totally accept the fact that the vast majority of young children do NOT want to go to school and have terrible adjustment problems (stomach aches, behavior changes, excessive tiredness, “blanking out” after coming home, etc). We’re told “oh that’s totally normal, it’ll get better when they get used to it.” No one ever even ponders the idea that if something is that upsetting to that many children, maybe it’s not in their best interest??? I know, I know. I sound like the crazy one. About 100 people comment on posts like these advising not to “coddle” your child, they need to learn how to deal with life’s challenges, this will force them to socialize and make friends, etc and so on. As someone who grew up with very real anxiety and panic attacks, I vehemently disagree. Being put into a foreign environment, a concocted and unnatural social milieu, with no support, no life experience, and a total lack of ability to cope with extreme stress […]

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letting the cat out of the bag

I’ve started letting coworkers know I’m leaving by the end of December and plan to let my bosses know Tuesday (I have Monday off) to give them some idea of their hiring needs in a few months. While it feels so dangerously real, and terrifying, thinking of my financial situation right now makes me so glum. It would be glorious to be debt free, it would be insanely wonderful to know that when a vet bill, a car repair, or some other unexpected expense arises I would be able to pay for it. I know I have to do this. Leaving my permanent staff position feels like leaving the womb… but although it can feel like the end of the world, we all know it’s only a birth! After spending less than $100 my last pay period (gas, groceries, activities), not including the vet bill, I am feeling encouraged. Strangely, my newfound hope has also given me a lift in other ways. I don’t dread cleaning the house or going to work right now. I feel like it’s only temporary. And instead of trudging through another very long and harsh rural Michigan winter, we will be setting up in a simple but uncluttered apartment on the coast of California, hitting beaches and forests in our spare time! Right now, though, I’m tired but determined to do my hustle. (Hashtag hustle, haha.) I have set a deadline to be “move ready” […]

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hashtag hustle hashtag believe hashtag receive

So I had a free audible credit and I used it on this book that is about making your dreams come true. I’m not even going to link to it, because literally it has “hashtag this” and “hashtag that” several times in every sentence, and it’s the most annoying thing ever. The principles behind the “make your dreams come true” plan are simple and not original (the author freely admits that) but it’s sort of her story of how she was able to use the theory to transform her life when she hit rock bottom. Too bad she couldn’t write a memoir and a simple step-by-step guide, and instead turned it into a constant commercial, but oh well. Anyway. I have gotten some ideas from it all so it isn’t a total waste. The inspiration/motivation/dream board is something I’ve heard of a lot of people using and I’ve gone ahead with that. The idea of “hustle” (combined with Mr. Money Mustache’s money-saving motivational quotes) is helpful. (Mr. Money Mustache says to treat your debt as an emergency, not something you work off over a lifetime. You don’t buy snacks and movies and whatnot if you’re in a financial emergency, is his point.) Also the idea of daily logs, where you write down your “hustle” as well as your “wins”. Wins are small successes, little positives, that occur along the way. I’m not going to do my daily log online, but I’ll […]

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there will always be doubts

Leaving my employer of eight years is sort of like jumping off a cliff into an abyss. I don’t know what to expect, really. Will being a nurse in another hospital be really hard? Unpleasant? Miserable? Will I feel stupid, overwhelmed, scared? Will I still be a good nurse? Will other nurses help me? Then there’s taking my daughter out of a really excellent Montessori program, where she has grown to love her teachers and classmates like family. Will she be super lonely and bored if she doesn’t go to school every day? Will she somehow be traumatized by her lack of friends? Will she have as much opportunity for learning as she gets now? I think anytime we change our lives, even in pursuit of our dreams, it’s easy to let the doubt and fear paralyze you. You start to say, this isn’t so bad here. Or think, I can scrape by where I am. But that’s how dreams die a slow and ugly death, I think. You’re too afraid of change, so you just sit around for a lifetime until it truly is too late. Plus, I already have the answers to all of the above questions. Yes, it will be hard and uncomfortable to work in another facility. Sometimes I will not have enough help, sometimes I will. Sometimes I’ll love the people I work with, often I won’t. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, or have a bad day, but I […]

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travel life: it’s official!

I’ve been contending with one large hurdle to traveling: child care. Not only is it difficult to find on short notice, but with full-time day cares only open until 6pm Mon-Fri, I have to also rely on private nannies or babysitters. The costs of daycare plus babysitters easily eats up all of the difference between my permanent staff salary and the extra travel nurse money. Today my mother agreed to travel with us as long as I can get M in some kind of childcare part of the day on week days. This is so huge! Not only is the financial burden substantially lifted, but the stress of needing childcare right away, or god forbid having a babysitter call in and having no child care, is gone! My income will go from $2900 per month take home to something like $6,250 per month. From that I will have to deduct either company housing or whatever housing we find, even at the highest end of $2000 per month I’m still left with $4,250 with which to pay my home mortgage and taxes ($596), sewer bill ($54), health insurance (somewhere around $150),  student loans ($165), phone bill ($65), and car insurance ($190). Then assume $400 for groceries, and a lot less for gas since I won’t be in the boonies ($150) and keep the $80 in for M’s swimming lessons. Utilities, cable, and wifi are included in provided housing. I’m left with $2400. Assuming housing is […]

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after three days

I hate working 3 in a row, because the day after I’m so exhausted but of course the house is a wreck. My uncle is in town and all the talk about selling our house and the property that’s been in our family for 7 generations is just very hard on my heart. Basically it’s overwhelmingly depressing to me how gleeful he seems about the money coming from it and not at all as attached to it as my mother and I. M is as crabby as I am after three days without me, and we end up snapping at each other all day. I basically just feel bad and can’t deal with anything. The financial situation has me down, the prospect of taking travel assignments is thrilling as far as my days off go, but terrifying as far as scrambling to find child care and settling into housing and working somewhere new. There’s no other way but god I’m scared. Sometimes it feels like this blog is my only friend. I literally have no one to talk to on a daily basis. At least when I’m traveling I could possibly make a friend or two? At least for while I’m there? The odds are better elsewhere than they are here, at least.

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