I went to see Les Mis last night. Not to worry, it did not interrupt my late afternoon or nighttime crying rituals. I look forward to my crying jags. It feels good to let the hurt come out physically. Mostly, I want to scream, to keen at the top of my lungs, but because my mom always comes to hold me and comfort me, I just sob instead. Sometimes while cradling Avalon’s ashes (I know, it’s weird-sounding) and sometimes I can’t sleep unless I hold her little blanket, the only thing she ever wore, in my hands.
Last night I had nightmares that were so bad I actually woke up calling for my mom like a little kid. They scared me. They weren’t about my baby, more about end-of-the-world stuff, guns being shot at me, tidal waves, running for my life, etc.
Why do I have such a hard time sleeping? When I’ve been depressed in the past I slept freakishly long hours, but I basically have to get myself drunk now in order to fall asleep, or take benzos. Then I wake up too early, and too many times. What is there to do do when I’m awake? My only thoughts are of Avalon, how much I miss her, how angry I am at being deprived of a life with her, at her being deprived of a life at all, and how nothing in my life will every be the same again. What is there to do, except cry, and stare into space?
Today I’m getting my hair cut and dyed. I guess it seems like a silly thing to do, but for some reason vanity has become like an armor to me when I leave the house. I won’t go out without more makeup than I’ve ever worn and my hair done. It feels like a mask I can wear, and hide behind. I certainly don’t have the energy to produce a smile.
Because everything reminds me of Avalon right now, and because it was really very well done by Anne Hathaway, I leave this post with these famous lines:
“I had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
But life has killed the dream I dreamed…”
Categories: baby loss