scope results

I do not have a septum in my uterus, nor is my uterus heart-shaped or any other odd shape. So, that was the best-case scenario, meaning, the placenta just abrupted, and that’s it. We’ll never know why, but I’m free to try again after 2 periods. Also, I had an adhesion that had formed after the D&C. They took little scissors and snipped it apart. It didn’t hurt. Even numbing up my cervix didn’t hurt. It was interesting to see the inside of my uterus, that blasted place, that only home my daughter ever knew. It’s was pink, and tissue-ey, and full of mucousy crud. And apparently, it’s normal.

Everything about me, and my pregnancy, was always completely normal. Until it wasn’t.

Avalon, I would give anything, and I mean that in every respect, to have kept you inside of me for 10 more weeks. I would have given everything I owned, my own soul, my own life, for you to have been given one. I’m so sorry, little girl. So sorry.

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Categories: baby loss

5 Comments »

  1. I had a miscarriage, but my child was only 8 weeks. I too waited two months and got pregnant with my daughter. While I have no idea of the loss you are experiencing, I did almost die during childbirth. I almost never had the chance to hold her. I missed her first three days of life. But I have her. And you better believe I would have given everything up just so she could experience the world. I get it. I really do. It crushes me that you are going through this, and I pray your next pregnancy is the most calm and peaceful time of your life. Try not to carry your fear of losing your next child. I did and it made me miserable throughout my whole pregnancy.

    I am rooting for you. You have my heart, and I just wish there was something I could do for you.

  2. In my case, I feel not knowing a cause is worse, nothing to fix, nothing to avoid, to do, no plans for next time. No concrete diagnosis to tell me; it’s time to stop, it’s time for a new plan. Not knowing causes me to sit here foolishly, hoping for a next time.
    I hope this is different for you, that you are relieved about this. Anything to make this time easier for you.

    • I’m not sure it makes me feel better not to know. I think I would feel much better if there was something we could look for, avoid, prevent, or just “do”. All I know is that they keep telling me it’s better for next time if it was just a freak thing. They call it a “glitch”. My baby’s death was a “glitch”. How bout that. No, it doesn’t make me feel better. But it seems to make my medical team more optimistic for next time, so I guess that’s something.

    • It is so very hard not to have a reason. For my miscarriage, the doctor has said that there’s no reason. For my loss of Maggie at 28 weeks, we didn’t know for a while, and I desperately wanted to know something. But having a reason is hard too, because it made me feel like my body betrayed my baby – I had preeclampsia & an undiagnosed antiphospholipid issue. Both things that didn’t have to be fatal if only they’d been diagnosed. I guess it’s just terrible either way.

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