into the real world

My first day back at work was pretty good. I was very busy, and I found that i liked it. I liked putting aside my own issues for a while to help others. Distraction was wonderful. Feeling like I was good at something was wonderful. I was flying through the day, a bit on autopilot, but also recognizing that my skills and my knowledge and my training was something very useful, somewhere. I wasn’t just a broken mother of a dead baby, sitting around with nothing to do but cry and feel angry. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but it felt good to do, and to be, more.

Of course it’s hard to face the sympathetic looks, and hard to see life going on so smoothly and completely, without my baby. Then again, I welcomed the hugs, and the condolences, because my co-workers were at least recognizing my loss, and my pain, even though they knew I had to put on a brave face and act a part at work. And I really felt that support from them and truly appreciated it.

I won’t NOT talk about it, or sweep it aside, or act like I was never pregnant or never lost my child. At the same time, I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who talks of nothing else.

I feel twitches all the time in the same place that I felt her moving inside me. I feel it and it cuts me to the core. Why am I feeling her move when I know she’s not there? I don’t need a physical reminder of all I don’t have and should have…

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Categories: baby loss

4 Comments »

  1. I have the same feeling of when my daughter was kicking…but I don’t have a uterus anymore. Maybe it’s gas, but my gas never felt like that before I was pregnant. I would like to say it goes away, maybe it does, but I still feel her kicks.

    I’m so glad you were happy to be back at work. I’m grateful everyone there supported you.

  2. Sounds like you handled it very well. My first day back was very rough, although none of my coworkers said anything. None of them. I only found out months later that my boss actually told them not to – long story, but she thought it would be easier for me. I know it came from a place of caring, but it actually made me so upset. I cried so, so hard at the end of the day. Glad to hear you got through it. XO

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