gusts of wind

I was feeling low last night. I had to see her face (in a photo) and clutch her blankie and cradle her ashes, not to my chest, but to my abdomen, where I last felt her alive and where she should still be. I slept like that all night.

I woke at 5am to an arctic blast. Somehow, the gale winds had gotten through the sliding window, and blown the inside shutters open, right over my sleeping head. I don’t even know how that was possible.

I love winter. The colder the better. I want more cold, more ice, more snow. I want to live in the Arctic. It feels clean, and knife-edge sharp on my skin. I never want it to be spring again, never want to see flowers bloom or feel warm sun. Spring is over, spring is dead. I want winter forever.

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Categories: baby loss

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