this tightness, this ache

The feeling I have all day, every day (and maybe even when I’m sleeping?) Is the feeling you have just before you cry. That tight ache that rises from your chest to squeeze your throat and eyes… It’s always with me. Life took my daughter, and gave me this.

When I started to show, I used to stare at myself in the mirror every time I went to the bathroom, and every time I passed a window or anything reflective. I was in love with my body, it’s changing shape… I had never before felt so pretty, so lovely, so enchanted, so alive. Now if I stare at a mirror, it’s to imagine how I would look now, how big I would be. That tears me to shreds inside, so then I run away. Now never before have I felt so ugly, so flat, so sunken, so desolate, so empty.

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Categories: baby loss

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