“you’re only as sick as your secrets”
That quote is from Oprah.
I have a LOT of work to do people. A lot.
“Love and respect people enough to tell them the truth.” I’m watching Oprah’s lifeclass. “Please understand how you dishonor your partner by asking him to hide.” Here’s the thing… do I love my SELF enough to not allow this in my life? I loved Avalon enough, easily. Do I love and respect myself as much as I did my baby? The answer is no. How can I love myself more? How can I value myself more, especially when I carry deep down the belief that I have failed my child. My body failed, I had no control, but it is a part of me and failed just the same. I feel ugly. Worthless. And broken. Is it any wonder that I can’t demand respect and value from those close to me, when that is how I feel about my self?
I am trying to remember the things I used to do to climb out of this black hole. I listened to “The Power of Now” by Eckhardt Tolle. I watched the original Life Classes. I went to therapy. I went forward with my other dreams, the ones I had more control over. I AM going to therapy, but I haven’t been honest with my therapist! (A lie by omission…) I am now listening again to Eckhardt, watching these damned life classes, and I have been going forward with piano lessons, my foster care license, and if I ever get my period, I will start trying again after a while.
I’m lost. Really lost. But I’ve dug myself out of this bleak pit before, I can do it again.