“you’re only as sick as your secrets”

That quote is from Oprah.

I have a LOT of work to do people. A lot.

“Love and respect people enough to tell them the truth.” I’m watching Oprah’s lifeclass. “Please understand how you dishonor your partner by asking him to hide.” Here’s the thing… do I love my SELF enough to not allow this in my life? I loved Avalon enough, easily. Do I love and respect myself as much as I did my baby? The answer is no. How can I love myself more? How can I value myself more, especially when I carry deep down the belief that I have failed my child. My body failed, I had no control, but it is a part of me and failed just the same. I feel ugly. Worthless. And broken. Is it any wonder that I can’t demand respect and value from those close to me, when that is how I feel about my self?

I am trying to remember the things I used to do to climb out of this black hole. I listened to “The Power of Now” by Eckhardt Tolle. I watched the original Life Classes. I went to therapy. I went forward with my other dreams, the ones I had more control over. I AM going to therapy, but I haven’t been honest with my therapist! (A lie by omission…) I am now listening again to Eckhardt, watching these damned life classes, and I have been going forward with piano lessons, my foster care license, and if I ever get  my period, I will start trying again after a while.

I’m lost. Really lost. But I’ve dug myself out of this bleak pit before, I can do it again.

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Categories: baby loss, mindfulness

2 Comments »

  1. I’ve read your recent posts, brokenhearted. I must say, too, that your impulses to dig yourself out are such a good sign–there is a lot of hope and self-caring built into your words, even as I’m sure it’s still unbearably and unrelentingly hard. I send you lots of healing and love and good wishes. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing everything right.

  2. You can love yourself the absolute most because you’re here, and you’re making it through THIS, day by day. You can love yourself because you’re trudging on–if for anyone else but Avalon, then FOR you. You’re doing what she would want you to do–which is try to find happiness again. You can do it. It’s just gonna take some time, that’s all.

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