a(nother) punch in the gut

For Moose’s 1st birthday present in April, I offered to pay for him and his parents to get professional photos taken by a real photographer, like in a park or somewhere nice. I know of a photographer in my area, and went to her website to get the link to send to his mom.

As I was looking through the pics of cute kids, my eyes wandered and I noticed her “pregnancy/baby bump” album, and suddenly I was sick. I remember looking at that album and daydreaming about THIS TIME OF YEAR. March and April, and my professional baby bump pics, and rubbing my belly and having beautiful pics of it that my daughter and I could look at forever. And now… never. The only bump pic I have is a quick 17 week snapshot, the first week I “popped”.

Suddenly there is a flaming knife twisting inside of me. Suddenly I want to rage… just have a big, huge, temper tantrum. Scream and throw things and hit things and sob until I vomit. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

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Categories: baby loss, foster care

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