so angry?

Have I come across as so angry and depressed that people are truly worried? I think that perhaps it’s natural, as I use the blog to document my most desperate, or angry, or depressed moments. I appreciate the concern of others… but I think the more upsetting comments are definitely coming from those who have no idea what it is to be a babyloss mom three months out.

I don’t think I’m an angry person. For the most part, my day is not dominated by angry thoughts. It is punctuated by them, at times, when certain triggers come about. This will happen less and less with time, but I’m not there yet. There are days when I am a lot sadder or angrier than others. But I assure you, my therapist is pleased with the ways I’ve chosen to grieve, and does NOT feel that anything I’ve felt, all of which was documented here, was any more extreme or destructive than any other grieving parent at 3 months out.

So I’m not really not worried, guys. My grief process is normal. I have not turned to drugs or alcohol. (I really don’t count a glass of wine in the evening or occasional prescription drugs, drugs that were prescribed TO ME by a professional, when it is medically indicated for me to use them, as drug abuse.) There are times I wish I could just get wasted, sure. The difference is, I don’t do it. I don’t use drugs or alcohol to numb my pain because, as I’ve stated before, the pain is part of my grieving process, it is normal and healthy to express my grief through crying and strong emotions. So I simply let those emotions come. I express them. I acknowledge them. I do not judge myself for them. I do not need the judgment of others, but I especially don’t need to judge myself.

In the beginning I had a real problem with my body. I blamed my reproductive system for failing. I felt I’d fail as a mother. These feelings are sometimes still there, but nothing like they were in that first month. I needed someone and something to blame, even though it was no one’s fault. I wanted to escape the terrible pain I was living with every day. Now, two months later, I deal with different parts of grief. Anger being one of them, resentment and jealousy. But I do not long to escape my grief. I accept it as a natural part of me after what happened. It is ok and normal to grieve, and to feel strongly. It is NOT ok to act out against others (and I don’t). I have strived (striven?) to grieve constructively, rather than destructively. I have done healthy things for myself in my daughter’s name, like taking piano lessons. Like building the garden. I do it for her but mostly for me. Afterall, she is a part of me. Her fetal cells are still swimming in my bloodstream. She is physically with me, just not the way I wanted her to be.

A lot of people followed me from my foster blog in the past, and these people perhaps expect me to write in a politically or psychologically correct fashion. But I’m not going to. Seeing a pregnant woman makes me hurt right now. It’s a trigger. It has nothing to do with hating HER. It has everything to do with the anger that is part of the grief cycle. A lot of baby loss moms avoid other pregnant or new moms for years afterward. And if I feel that I need to do that too, for my own mental health, I will. I am forced to be around a few people at work and can’t escape it, so if I need to vent on my blog and leave the room and have a cry after their “normal” and certainly non-malicious chattering, Well, I will. It’s ok. It’s part of the process. It will get better, but it will be there for a while. And that’s ok.

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Categories: baby loss

4 Comments »

  1. I think you are perfectly normal, sweetie. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now or moving on. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t have those thoughts any more. What you’ve been through is horrible and so very unfair. I can’t imagine. Please continue to vent and get it all out. It’s good for you. Thinking of you and your precious Avalon today!

  2. I recognise what you are going through as what I went through after I lost a pregnancy in 2007. It was crushing. It felt like I wouldn’t recover but I did and a sad part of that is letting go of the baby who didn’t make it further down the track … and people recognise that is part of healing and so I think that is why people encourage grieving mothers that way. But it really cannot be rushed, you are honouring your daughter and your experience and when you are finished things will be different, whenever that is.

  3. Thank you for having the courage to write about what’s really going on. I can hear you trying to cope as well as possible without being false to yourself or Avalon, without hiding the grief and anger away where they will fester. Of course some days are worse than others. I’m sorry this week has been one of the harder ones.

  4. If you can’t be honest, than what are we all here for!? Playing pretend just ain’t worth it. When my father died (I was 21) I carried a roll of toilet paper with me 24/7, slept on the floor inbetween my bedroom and den, and had a teddy bear close by at the funeral. I let all those emotions out! When I found out I had gone through menopause, I was at the biggest horse show of the year, surrounded by people, and I sat down on a grassy hill and sobbed my brains out. That’s the way life is supposed to be lived!

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