there is not that kind of god
I’m not religious. I might call myself agnostic. I think all religions are pointing to a similar truth, under all the institutional bullshit, political slants, and thinly-veiled prejudices. I tend to lean toward an Ekhardt Tolle “one-ness” approach, but I understand that people need to put a human face on god, or even divide the essence of god into different aspects, creating a pantheon, in order to feel closer to the divine.
There are a lot of Christian baby loss moms who write blogs, or songs, and they find such solace and comfort in believing that their baby is sleeping in the arms of Jesus, or angels. They fervently believe they will see their baby again in Heaven. They believe that God “has a plan”.
As I was standing outside in the bitter cold last night, staring up at the beautiful smattering of stars and basking in the ghost-like light of the waxing moon, I felt that I *knew* the opposite. (This is only my experience, I’m sure Christian moms feel that they *know* what they believe as strongly as I do- and I don’t judge them for that!) I felt that I knew that there was NO human-like, old man God in the sky, who gathered up dead little children into his arms. I felt that there was no God at all who really cared at all that my daughter had died.
I felt that God was bigger than all of that. That one life, or 100 lives, or even 6 million human lives being cut short, that was not God’s problem. Death and life were equal in God’s eyes, one not being better than the other. A minute is just as valuable as a day which is just as valuable as a century, which is really still the blink of an eye in the face of a timeless eternity. So what does God, in this eternity where time is just a human construct, care if my daughter existed for a minute or for 90 years? It’s all the same to the divine.
This is not a comfort to a grieving mother. I just remember clearly thinking to myself, “there is no one to hear my prayers”. Because surely, if any prayers were to be heard, they would be the desperate, heart-wrenching pleas of a mother who just wants her child to live.
Categories: baby loss