Just had a major cryfest in the car driving home. I went to work another overtime 12 hour shift, because we were withdrawing life support from the patient I’ve had for three weeks. I wanted to be there, to make sure it went right, to make sure the family was taken care of. As I burst into noisy sobbing on the road home, it felt like I was crying for much more than my baby girl, or the loss of my own dreams. It felt like I was crying for the loss of this patient, someone’s father, someone’s brother. It felt like I was crying for my future losses, then. Losing my grandma, or my own mom someday. Suddenly I felt the whole weight of every loss everyone ever felt on my shoulders, and I nearly had to pull over I was so weighed down with a pain that felt immeasurable.
Sometimes our personal losses connect us to the loss of others, and that weaves us into a psychic web of universal loss. In that moment I felt so intrinsically a part of it that I suddenly could not separate my pain from the pain of the human race, past and future.
Categories: baby loss