I knew this would happen

I have followed my itinerary for today. I did sleeping in with no problem… till 2pm! I tried to make a hair appointment… closed on Mondays. Tried to schedule a massage… no answer. Tried to book reservations on Catalina Island. The cost online was $200 something, they quoted me $700 on the phone! For one night??? Ummm no. Now I’m looking elsewhere. I’m at my grandma’s, going to play her some Easter music and practice my pieces. Clean my house tonight, then I’ll at least feel like I successfully stuck to today’s plan. I also talked to the gardener… Avalon’s memorial garden is going to be more pricey than I thought. Look out, more overtime is probably on the horizon.

What I knew would happen is this: I’m not working, and I’m depressed. Had fun plans for Wed-Fri that inevitably fell through. When this happens, I get so down. I don’t deal with disappointment well. As in, it sends me into a real downward spiral. I’m sad, and I’m angry. The feelings of anger and despair at not being HUGELY pregnant and looking forward to the imminent birth of my daughter continues to sneak up on me and crush me when I’m not working. I DON’T WANT ANY OF THIS TO BE HAPPENING. But it is.

And I’m lonely. A loneliness I cannot explain expands my void more often than not. My friends are just too busy and have different lifestyles, we get together occasionally, but I find that most of my time is alone time, and it stings.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring with a foster placement as well. The truth is, if you’re waiting, it doesn’t happen. I feel that my days are empty beyond compare. The only thing that lights me up are my upcoming plans for NYC and California. I really see nothing but emptiness in my future the rest of the time.

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Categories: baby loss, foster care

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