if I’m not…

I would say that I wouldn’t call myself an infertile. I conceived with little difficulty, technically on the fourth try. That’s just a slap in the face to so many who try for years… and yet, what if I can conceive, but I can’t carry my babies to viability? What does that make me? Just a cursed woman, a ghost mother of ghost children.

TTC’ing again brings so many memories and feelings of a time when I was innocent. When the agony of the 2WW was the worst I could imagine. Now I have no such faith that my biggest obstacle lies vaguely in and around a possible conception. What is the point of conceiving, if you cannot give your children the gift of experiencing this world in human form? My hope is dashed now, curbed by too many known possibilities. Chemical pregnancy, early miscarriage, placental abruption, placenta previa, prematurity, genetic disorders, developmental anomalies, chromosomal defects, cord accidents, meconium aspiration, SIDS… the list goes on and on and on, the possibilities are endless, from conception to the cradle, to the countless other ways even are older children can die.

Motherhood seems almost a nightmare of uncertainty.

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Categories: baby loss

1 Comment »

  1. I didn’t take the risks when I couldn’t conceive, so I cannot say I know where you are coming from, but the disappointment of when I truly accepted it was quite the heavy load. Now, via foster care, the nightmare is worse, because I see women who just go out, conceive, deliver (way too early and with complications due to their own negligence), and get their child taken away. Well…they don’t have to do 4 am bottle feedings, so why not go out and shag some more. And, what? Birth control. Nah…let’s just show those infertile women a thing or two and have another. My life walk…right now. It’s a gut wrenching hurt to see them conceive so easy, abuse the pregnancy so much, and never, ever know how BLESSED they were at the chance to carry one. And the thing is…the homes that are willing to take these children are FULL…and there are others who don’t want to risk the attachment. I don’t understand this path in life, why some can, some can’t, and some are born to struggle because of parents’ mistakes. I may never understand.

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