how can it be?

That a mother could lose so much.

Kate Leong’s story. (She is now about to lose her fourth child, but this time her firstborn, 5-year-old Gavin.)

I watched the video she made of her daughter Darcy, who was just a little smaller than Avalon when she was born. Her little face was so unique and precious. Just like Avalon’s. I wish now I had all of the photos they had thought to take. I never thought to take any, at all. I was in a total haze. When I see photos of other moms holding their dead babies, I see myself more completely than if I had looked into a mirror.

The pain and devastation that freeze your features into place.

Today I’m going to cry, because none of this is right. Because some days I know how to go on, but today I don’t.

Today I don’t know how to live without Avalon.

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Categories: baby loss

2 Comments »

  1. I have been following her story as well. It’s just heartbreaking. To lose her daughter and now her son. She has grace that I don’t think I’d have… if I were to have a living child and lose that one too. But how do we know? I’ve been annoyed in the past when people say ‘You’re so strong’, because I know that I’m not strong, but you just don’t have a choice. So I don’t know…

    Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about pictures. I don’t know if we have any of us with her. I do know that they did take some pictures of her alone. I can’t bear to open the box yet and see what is there and what isn’t. I don’t know if my heart can bear seeing the pictures. And I don’t know if I can bear that there probably aren’t some pictures that I would have wanted. We do the best we can at the time, right? Thinking of you and little Avalon.

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