the tears

I have cried a few times. Once when I was feeding Jo Jo in a store (babies don’t wait) and singing to her. I started singing a popular baby loss song, and when I sang, “In my mind you are alive and well, precious child…” It seemed I could almost see my healthy, living baby girl in my arms, super-imposed over the real little girl I was holding. I have no confusion in my heart about who Jo Jo is. She is not Avalon, and I will never forget that for a minute. She is her own perfect, sweet little person and I will love her whole-heartedly for who she is. But that other world is still living so close to me, and invisible alternate reality where I hold and rock a different little girl, and sing a different, happier song.

The garden is coming along with the bench and fountain already installed. The graveyard guy (I don’t know what his title actually is… groundskeeper?) called me to confirm the placement of the gravestone on the plot.

Oh Avalon. I wish you were still here. I wish I could have you alive and well, and have Jo Jo and keep her safe. I wish so many things that I can’t have. I feel lucky to have this sweet little girl to care for and mother, but I still see you everywhere. I still feel that hole in my heart like a missing limb. I am learning to live with the grief, but it will live within me forever.

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Categories: baby loss, foster care

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