I’m a control freak

I hate going to work. I want to be here with Jo Jo. I know that it’s ok for me to get in the car and drive away. I know that my mom loves her and will take care of her just fine without my help. But I still have a hard time walking away. I can’t help but feel like can calm her down best, can put her to sleep best, can soothe her and make her most comfortable and secure. Of course, most households do have more than one parent, and this household happens to have one parent and one grandparent, so it’s good that she learn to let someone else soothe and comfort her besides me.

But it’s just so hard to let go. Even though I’m exhausted, and I’m getting really cranky and once in a while (like when I need to have a phone conversation but she won’t stop screaming because I’m not holding her) a little overwhelmed. I get peevish and want to snap everyone’s heads off, then I remember that these people are trying to help me and be family to Jo Jo, and I need to relax and step away. She will be ok without me for short periods of time, and I will be ok, too.

I never experienced this feeling with Moose. Oh yes, I worried about him and checked in often with his caregivers while I was working… but I didn’t have an overwhelming urge to be his everything. I was at ease leaving him with someone I trusted for a bit while I did something else. Maybe because I knew and liked his parents, and knew he’d be going home to them soon? Or am I feeling this way because I was supposed to be a new mommy right now, and I’m programmed to be an over-protective clingy mom at this time? Or is it because I lost my own baby and that creates an overwhelming clinginess with my new baby? Or have I just bonded differently with Jo Jo?

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Categories: baby loss, parenting

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