a cry, finally

It’s been 16 days since Jo Jo came to live here. I’ve been busy, and preoccupied by a whole new set of concerns/worries. But yesterday, I cried. I cried for my baby. I cried because I miss her so much, I’m so heartbroken that she isn’t here. I want her to be here. I want my baby back.

And then I start to feel the layers of guilt coming. If I want Avalon back, then don’t I want to have Jo Jo here? Shouldn’t I want the baby who is here, who needs me now, more than the baby who is gone? And if I want Jo Jo here, if I love her with all my heart and want to keep her, does that mean I want my daughter here less?

Of course, wanting my baby back, wanting her to be alive, wanting to be a mom to her and meet her and get to know her throughout her whole life, doesn’t mean I don’t want and love Jo Jo, too. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love and cherish another bio child either. If Avalon had been born, though, I would not have been open for foster care. Jo Jo would be somewhere else. But Avalon was not born alive. I did open my heart to foster care. And miraculously, a beautiful little girl is now here, and we are so fulfilling to each other.

I know it’s ok. I know the feelings are normal and common and ok to have. But yesterday was the first time I really just sat with them, and my grief. The first time I allowed myself, since Jo Jo arrived, to just sit there and scream inside, “I want my daughter! I want Avalon” The guilt followed.

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Categories: baby loss, foster care

2 Comments »

  1. Oh, sending hugs to you. It’s been such a short amount of time since you lost Avalon. You’re still dealing with that grief, which is so fresh. Of course it’s hard, everything else aside. And to have a little girl with you, of course that brings up a lot of things. You miss and love your baby. But you love little Jo Jo too. It’s so complicated, but all comes down to love.

  2. Of course you want your precious Avalon, and of course you love sweet Jo Jo. It’s good that you were able to just be and feel and know that wanting and loving one in no way takes away from the loving and wanting the other.

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