today is the day

The day I’ve dreaded for so long has come, and soon, will be gone. Her due date. Besides being generally a little crabby, I also took a short nap with her ashes clutched to my belly, as I did those first few horrible weeks when the absence of her in my abdomen screamed at me every minute. If only I could put her back in there, feel her move again… I would think to myself as I pressed that black box closely to my skin.

I don’t know if I will hold the ashes there from now on. Maybe in my arms, instead. Or maybe I will finally have them placed with her grave stone. I still don’t know what to do. In that other timeline, am I giving birth? Has my baby come into the world yet, or am I so big and heavy that I can barely move? What does the world look like to me, over there, on the other side of the vale? Brighter, cleaner, simpler? Happy?

Today was just a Tuesday like any other Tuesday. A day like any other day. No one around me knows or understands that it is THE DAY to me. May 7th, May 7th, May 7th. I don’t think I had any specific expectations, except that it would be a sadder, deeper day than usual. A day to weep for what I lost and feel grateful for what I now have. A day to think of the daughter I was supposed to meet, a little girl who should have been something to this world, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, a mother herself, maybe. So many people who will never know what they missed, but one mother who will always know that someone is missing.

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Categories: baby loss

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