Sometimes I feel really possessive of Jo Jo. I feel like if she doesn’t spend most of her time with me, she will bond more to someone else. Maybe because she is not my biological daughter, I feel that our bond has to be cemented even more firmly. There is no other connection, otherwise. I worry that she will not know that I am her mother, I fear that she will grow up and have a sort of blah feeling about me, a sort of ambivalence or even apathy. Do other parents hoping to adopt feel this worry, especially mothers? If she smiles at anyone else or is soothed by anyone else, I feel so much jealousy, and so much insecurity. A deep feeling of not being enough, not being truly “mom”, not being as essential to her as I would have been to Avalon.
These are my deepest insecurities, feelings that I am ashamed of, worried about, and usually try to hide and push away. Will I always wonder if she would’ve preferred her bio mom to me? Will she someday wonder if I would’ve preferred Avalon to her?
These are heartbreaking, hopeless questions. Bottom line is, right now she’s so small and infantile, most anyone can satisfy her needs. I hope that at the appropriate age she will show attachment to me, and age-appropriate separation anxiety. I just want her to need me as much as I need her, and I often struggle with the overwhelming certainty that she doesn’t, and won’t.