a tragedy

Today, at work, there was a tragedy. One of my co-workers was found pulseless in the break room. I was part of the group of doctors and nurses that spent an hour coding her on the floor. She didn’t make it.

I will go into it a little more on my nursing blog. But death… death of a friend seemed as shocking to me as if I’d never heard of it happening before, and yet as familiar as my own shadow. I’m an ICU nurse, and I think I can deal with death so well, I think I am an old hat with it. Then it happens right in front of me, to someone who should be helping with the code, not the person lying on the ground getting their ribs cracked, pools of blood running from her mouth.

My baby was supposed to be kicking and wrinkly and crying, not limp and smooth and silent.

I was let out of work 4 hours early. I went to get Jo Jo, and started to run across the grass. I closed my eyes and told myself, “if you run fast enough, this day will not have happened. This year will not have happened. You can run so fast you can undo everything that was done, but shouldn’t have been.” I arrived out of breath to snatch up my sleeping baby. Tonight I am extra glad I have that apnea monitor. Death lurks too near for me to sleep soundly.

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Categories: baby loss, life in general

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