holy hell

The apnea alarm went off. Then I heard her startle herself and snuffle and sigh. Most infants have short periods of apnea, before the immature respiratory centers of their brains say, “oh yeah, gotta breathe.”

After the day I’ve had, I am more grateful than ever for this monitor. And for the fact that it WORKS. And just… holy sh** balls, what if she didn’t have it and her respiratory drive didn’t kick back in? I cannot imagine. Actually, I can imagine, I can imagine every horrid nightmarish detail.

All I know is that tonight I sense the proximity of Death much more clearly than I have in many months… and I’m not leaving anything up to chance.

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Categories: baby loss, parenting

1 Comment »

  1. OMG that is terrifying. Sometimes I hear Evelyn take a deep breath and sigh in her sleep and it almost sounds like she’s catching her breath. It’s so scary. 😦

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