missing my baby

With Avalon, I got to experience the mind-altering, delirious love that one feels for the human growing inside of her own body. The dreams you dream for her, the hopes you have for her, the way you don’t even know this little person in all of the ways you usually get to know someone, but oh, you do know, deep in your soul, that you love her more than anything you’ve ever loved before.

With Jo Jo, I experience the mind-altering, delirious love that comes with watching your beloved baby interact with the world, breathe softly and sigh deeply in her sleep, reach for you and coo and smile. It is powerful, searing even, how much a mother can love her child.

So when I have to work for two days in a row? I go through the type of heartache usually reserved for parted lovers. I angst and rail against the clock. I feel terribly disappointed that she is asleep when I get home, and asleep when I leave the house, and never knows that I am there to love her. I am haunted by the things she did, the experiences she had, and the expressions she made without me there to bear witness.

Forty-eight hours, it will be in the morning, since my baby has been with me and awake. I grind through twelve and a half hour work days, and a one-way commute of one hour, wishing only to get to the day when I won’t have to miss her again.

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Categories: baby loss, parenting

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