coming full circle

This is a non-foster or mommy or baby loss post. It’s a post about the past, friendship, a love triangle, and forgiveness.

Actually, I’m not really going to tell the whole story. It’s pretty private, but trust me when I say it would’ve made a pretty good made-for-TV drama.

I was 18, and starting my 2nd semester of university. I found a roommate on some website and soon after moving in, we became best friends. We would talk late into the night, pull pranks on each other, go places together, eat our meals together, and basically just had fun ALL the time.

And then we had a falling out. A really terrible, epic friendship-ending disaster of a situation occurred. She begged me to forgive her, but I wouldn’t. I totally walked away from her and our friendship and never looked back. But I saw her in my dreams all the time, dreams in which I wanted to forgive her, I wanted to tell her that I understood what it meant to really screw up and really be sorry.

It had been 11 years since we last spoke. Eleven years later, I was still wondering how she was, and still wishing I had some way to tell her I forgave her afterall. Along comes good old facebook, and on a whim a few months ago I typed her name in and found her. I sent her a message, asking if she remembered me and telling her that I hoped all was well. Three months went by with no response, so I figured that was that, and hoped that she had at least seen it.

Two days ago I got a reply from her… she had JUST NOW seen the message! After eleven years of no contact, and only via facebook, it’s like no time has passed and we are chatting each other up. She has been able to tell me over and over how guilty she’s been ever since, how she’s never forgiven herself for what happened, and how she’s thought of me and what happened from time to time over the years. And I’ve been able to tell her how often I thought of her, and how I forgave her long ago, and how I want her to not feel guilty anymore because I totally understand what happened, and while that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do, and while I had a right to be angry and end the friendship, I still don’t hate her. I still missed her and our friendship.

So somehow it feels that my much younger self has come full circle. I honestly have rarely thought about those circumstances, so much time has passed, so many other, much more devastating, events have occurred. I’m certainly not who I was at 18 and 19, and yet the 19-year-old is still in me somewhere. That hurting, sad girl is rejoicing at this new-found peace.

We’re meeting for coffee tomorrow, and who knows, maybe after all this time we are still meant to be friends! If not, at least we can both let that one go with love and forgiveness.

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