December is for you

“This is my winter song. December never felt so long. Cause you’re not where you belong… inside my arms.” -Ingrid Michaelson “Winter Song”

December is her month. The month of growing happiness, the month of pure fear, the month of shattering grief. The month in which I held her, inside and outside. The month in which her heart stopped beating inside me. The month in which she felt my love, and I felt her life. December is the month that showed me that sorrow visits us all, disaster strikes everywhere, and my perfect plan is not the destiny’s rulebook.

December belongs to her and I do not know what to do. There’s nothing I can do for her, now, except love the daughter she sent me, and be the best mom I can be in her honor. I don’t know if I should bury the ashes under the gravestone, or keep them by my bedside a little longer. Sometimes I want to bury them, so that I can visit my daughter there and it is “our” time, and ours alone. My time to remember her, and thank her, for her endless gifts.

December belongs to her and December will never, ever be the same.

Approaching the one year anniversary of her birth and death…

Advertisements

Categories: baby loss

7 Comments »

  1. Wishing Avalon was here with you, (I know it’s kind of one of those paradoxical thoughts, but how much fun would she and JoJo be having together?) and wishing you peace as you move through this month where so many of her precious memories reside.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s