one year ago

I posted Beyond the Hands of Time one year ago, on Christmas Day, 2012. Never could I have imagined a darker Christmas, a more painful day to have to wake up and face my own existence. Tonight I peeked back at those entries, that pain still so new and raw that I found myself constantly surprised by it.

How can so much change in a year? I know how. Because my daughter existed. Because of her, not instead of her or in spite of her, the best Christmas followed directly on the heels of the worst. She existed, she was real, her heart beat inside of me, and she made me a mother. She made me a mother who could love my next daughter, Jo Jo, with just as much ferocity as I loved my first. She made me a strong woman, who could say no to relationships that drained me and hurt me, say no so that I could move on and find a more complete happiness.

This Christmas was happy, and that is because Avalon was my daughter, and she lived and died within me, and she lives on with an indefinable presence in my life.

So thank you to my daughters, both of them, for the innumerable blessings heaped upon me this holiday season. My heart is full and bursting with joy.

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Categories: baby loss

6 Comments »

  1. I am so happy for you. Dealing with loss during the holidays is hard. I am excited for the change of goal plan for your Jo Jo. I am hopeful for you celebrating her adoption in 2014.

      • I am I have a 2yo boy that has been with me since july. His case is so complicated and I have made a decision that he will probably be my last. I cant emotionaloy do it anymore. I feel horrible for saying that. But i have applied to be on a foster care review board, because I am not ready to completly walk away from helping kids.

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