a new year, a trial date

I haven’t posted much because I usually write blog posts in my downtime at work, and I’ve been a primary nurse for a very intense, busy patient and her family since Christmas Day. I do have posts that I want to write, but the biggest news is this: We have a TPR trial date and it is in four weeks!

I knew in my heart, from the first phone call I received in from my foster care agency, that this placement would be different than my last. I knew within days that I would say “yes” to being an adoptive placement to Jo Jo. And I felt within weeks that she was my daughter and I was her mother. But never did I dare to dream that by the new year we’d be four weeks away from a TPR trial!

We are supposed to reflect on the past year on this day, and so I remember that on New Year’s Eve 2012/13 I watched the ball drop while babysitting my former foster son Moose. I was so sad, so empty, and so lost. In February I placed myself back on the list for a placement, and on April 15th, little tiny Jo Jo arrived and changed my world. I had a wonderful adventure in California with many of my closest family members and friends, and received the best Christmas gift when Jo Jo’s goal was changed to adoption. I was a busy single mom, but I took time to continue to grieve for the little girl who never got a chance at this life. I have reveled in motherhood, a second chance a gift to me. I stayed close to my best friends and my sister, and was lucky not to lose anyone close to me in 2013 to death. I didn’t have any problems at work and felt that I did my best and touched many families as a nurse. I reconnected with an old best friend and re-forged our special relationship.

I went from the lowest point of my life, losing my beloved and wanted daughter and becoming a baby loss mom, to being so happy and fulfilled in most every way. (See my post: Why We Don’t Say the Q Word.)

I’ve been very lucky. But all that being said, I have a lot of stress, too, at home. I have two grandparents next door who need more and more care. When our caregiver calls in, I’m screwed. I need someone there from 7am to 9pm, basically, and it’s impossible to get a “back-up” person, because everyone is looking for steady work, no one is just sitting around every day waiting for someone to call in. I’m in the process of interviewing someone for evening shifts and Saturdays. My mom watches Jo Jo for me when I work, and that’s HUGE, but that’s about all she can do. She also is unemployed, and uninsured, and having health issues.

Sometimes I feel that out of the five of us, I am the only one holding things together. If I didn’t have my mom to watch Jo Jo, it would be 10 times worse, but the bottom line is that I need more help for my grandparents. And I need to get something figured out for my mom, health-wise. I’ve spent many days this week just stressed to the max about it all.

Let’s get back to some good points, though. My New Year’s Eve was amazing, best I’ve ever had. I hope that’s just a sign of good things to come in 2014!

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6 Comments »

  1. Of course I know *nothing* about your personal life except what you choose to share here, so I have no idea why, but when I read “trial date” I thought, wow, she met someone new and they’re testing the waters of a relationship, fun! THEN I read “tpr” and felt pretty silly! Fwiw, I think a TPR Trial Date is WAAAAYYY more exciting!!!

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