a very busy Christmas
Christmas was exhausting, and slightly stressful due to my money shortage and the fact that I can’t pay off my school bill in order to register. I just paid the 2nd installment and will be paying it off when I get paid on January 9th, also the first day of school. Not how I like to do things. In the meantime I have been living off credit for gas, groceries, and Christmas presents, and I really don’t like doing that.
But anyway, Christmas with a toddler was fun, albeit exhausting. Because I worked Christmas day (triple time!) most of our celebrating happened on Christmas Eve day. M behaved pretty well, but I think she’s pretty over opening presents! She also learned some new words, including “mine!”. I filled her stocking, and my mom’s, on Christmas Eve so they would have something to open in the morning, and off to work I went.
My Christmas day was full of sadness, suffering, dying, and cultural/ethical issues in end-of-life. Let’s just say that I am getting very discouraged at work in general. Families forcing us to prolong their loved one’s natural death, forcing us to torture little old ladies, or on the flip side doctors trying to force families to withdraw who aren’t ready or who have cultural needs that need to be accommodated first. Let’s just say not only was I very busy all day long, but it hurts my heart and spirit a lot to do this so much. Even the best death, where everyone is on board, the patient’s wishes are known and respected, and death happens naturally and peacefully, it’s not easy. So when nothing is natural, easy, or peaceful, I get out of sorts. And then I have to do it day in and day out and… well… I just keep saying I can’t do this anymore. But I will be doing it almost every day, because I need so much money to pay my bills that I’ve picked up a lot of overtime.
Back to Christmas. On Christmas Eve I made my first phone call to Cindy. We had a very good conversation, she was extremely nice and sweet. She repeatedly told me that she wants her kids to get a good education and become more successful in life than she has. She has her issues, and she wanted to explain her side of things as far as the removal of her child by CPS, who she blames, etc. I understand her need to justify herself to me, although just like at my job, I can be sympathetic and compassionate while still knowing how her choices have led to the situation. Anyway, she got to say hi to M and wish her a Merry Christmas, and M said “hi” into the phone a few times and gave it kisses. It was really a very good end to the day!
I also dropped off a few presents the day before at her Aunt’s K’s house for the cousins. Apparently they gave one to the sister, even though I had a different one for her… I don’t know what happened, exactly, but hey… it’s the thought that counts.
I am still trying hard to get together with the brother and sister who live in the area… we’ll see.