texts that blow your mind

I got several texts yesterday from M’s bmom Cindy begging me to take the baby she’s pregnant with.

Yeah.

She is on the other side of the country right now, as she has been since M was placed with me. She didn’t come back to participate in reunification, and from what I’ve heard from her I don’t see her having the money to come back across the country, or find new living arrangements here. Perhaps she could stay with family, but she gave me reasons for not wanting to do that. Also, there is a father who knows about the child, who would have to also relinquish. So perhaps unfortunately, I don’t see any of this amounting to her actually moving back here to relinquish, even if she wants to in many ways.

For me, now is not the right time for a baby, either. I have a busy, active toddler. I have daycare expenses. I have a girlfriend now who I live with at least much of the time who would have to make the decision with me. I work full time and go to grad school. I keep track of my grandparents’ in home care and health. It’s already almost overwhelming but I’m managing. A new baby?! Not only would sleep deprivation be crazy and chronic (now that M sleeps through the night if I’m next to her), but the costs of an adoption would be debt-inducing, if not outright impossible, even with a direct placement, even without using an agency. I suppose we could get licensed as foster parents, and maintain a license just in case this situation arises. In that case, if/when the baby was removed, supposedly he would be placed with us as a pre-adoptive placement. This is a lot of work, and while financially it’s the best option (free plus foster care stipend until adoption), it also means my girlfriend would have to commit to the possibility of a new baby. She’s already signed onto parenthood 110% with a toddler. And god knows I can’t parent a toddler and newborn by myself!

So in my perfect world, if I even wanted more kids, I’d not consider it until I was working as an NP with school behind me, my income doubled, and M going into kindergarten (no daycare expenses). We’d have two grandmas for childcare. And the busy toddler would then be a 5-year-old who goes to school all day, Monday through Friday.

Only one thing tugs at me. In this perfect world, this 2nd child would be one of Cindy’s, and M’s biological sibling. She would grow up close to someone biologically related to her. She would get to really know one of her (five and counting) siblings. I already love this child as her brother… because any kin of my daughter’s is kin to me.

So yeah. It’s hard to think about. It’s especially hard to think about this little boy going into foster care in a faraway state, and maybe never knowing where he went, or ever being able to find him. Quite frankly, my heart wants him. But my brain tells me equally strongly that my circumstances aren’t right.

Luckily, the choice is practically made for me, with the odds of Cindy actually coming to my state, going through the proper procedures, and bio dad relinquishing being so very low.

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3 Comments »

  1. Oh wow … What a difficult situation to be put in. You sound like you’re making a very sound decision though. As an adoptee myself, I didn’t see any difference between my adoptive parents biological children vs ones who were my direct relation. Sibling love seems to easily cross those boundaries.

    Another thought: maybe there is someone like you out there now, wanting a child to love and care for just like you were. Maybe that person will get the opportunity to provide a wonderful life for M’s new brother, just like you are doing for M. I say stick with your instincts and pour all the love you have now into your beautiful little girl and getting your NP career off the ground. Plus, five year old M will have way more fun as a big sister so the timing might me right for you all. 🙂

  2. You definitely sound like you are not in a place to adopt this child no matter how much you would like to be able to adopt M’s bio sibling. I don’t think she would have to be in the same state for a private adoption but the expenses would still be high. Hopefully you can make contact with the family that does adopt this baby and build a connection.

  3. Wow, I can’t even imagine. I have no advice to give as I have no idea what you are going through, but just wanted to offer up that I think you will make the right choice and show my support ❤

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