my last will and testament
I finally drew one up today. It’s not like I have assets of any value, really, but mostly I just needed to put down in legal writing what would happen to M if something happened to me. It has felt like an appropriate time to do it, as death has been all around me and on my mind more than usual. Watching someone I knew so well and loved die really makes you think hard about life, and what you want to do with it, as well as about what you’d like to be in order when your own time comes.
When it comes to my own life, I think a lot about leaving it behind (not my daughter, obviously, but my normal routine). I have been working steadily but not hurriedly on the application requirements for licensure in other states. I don’t know if it will help the sense of isolation I feel way out here in the country, without friends or a community to raise my daughter in. Perhaps I will feel even more isolated out on the road… but at least we’ll be seeing the world a little bit at the same time, right? I can’t keep cooking and cleaning and trying to figure out how to entertain a child all day, work, and repeat.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore or how much of me will even remain once my child is grown. Maybe all parents of young children feel that way at some point, though.