getting down-in-the-dirt real

I don’t cry that much anymore, I mean in general. Since M came into my life, I’ve been too busy or tired to cry even in the most upsetting moments. I’ve also been happy a lot of the time, at least, as happy as I’ve been since a brief time in my early 20s when I consider myself to have been “happy” in general. Also, since becoming a mom, relationships that weren’t healthy began to totally lose their appeal to me. I used therapy (both self-help and professionally) to dig myself out of crippling anxiety and depression prior to fostering, and found myself less attached to the things (and people) that caused me suffering in life. I felt like I had my shit together, emotionally speaking. Losing Avalon doesn’t count either, because that was genuine loss and grieving. I coped with it as well as anyone can cope with the death of their child. Then I got busy being a foster/adopt mom, dealing with behaviors, and school, and everything else. I thought I’d forgotten everything else.

But last night? I was up until 11, crying. My sweet and healthy daughter was curled up next to me, the one bright joy of my life. I was uploading some files from my laptop onto a cloud drive (my own writings, mostly) and then started looking at pictures from back in the day. I am somehow emotional (not PMSing, thank you very much) and listening to a lot of Evanescence and Staind (which explains a lot by itself). I feel a void sucking at me that I haven’t felt since my old poetry days. The feeling that something bigger than me, bigger than the world, is in front of me, just not visible.

Maybe the planets have aligned in a certain way that is affecting my sense of time, my emotions, and my mood. Maybe the mists between the worlds have thinned a bit where I am. Maybe I’m finally remembering who I am other than “mommy” all the time, or maybe I don’t even know who I am other than mommy nowadays. Maybe I’m suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety) in a way I’m unfamiliar with. Maybe I’m truly just ready for a huge life change. Maybe I want or need to run away. Maybe my heart is broken. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m alone, and lonely. Maybe being a mom without a community is not a natural state for a human being. Maybe I don’t belong here. Maybe something has to change, or I’ll collapse. I’ll implode.

 

 

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Categories: life in general

6 Comments »

  1. I think it’s natural for you to be feeling a lot of complicated emotions right now because you’re really in the middle of an enormous transition–losing your grandfather, planning to change not just your career but your life/lifestyle, while also caring for your ailing grandmother and solo-parenting a feisty three-year-old with only the support of your mom. It would be overwhelming for anyone, especially since you’re feeling socially isolated right now.

    I wish I had advice or a solution for you. It’s easy to say “take time for yourself” but the reality is far more complicated. I think your heart is searching for answers, and I hope you find it (perhaps in upcoming travels?).

    • Exactly what Brooke said. You just lost your grandpa! You are grieving a heart wrenching terrible loss in your life. It’s good to cry, to be honest about what you feel. Sending light and love.

  2. I’ve been feeling a lot lately and I’ve started seeing someone but I’m also not going to discredit SADs. It’s a really rough time of year and I feel like I don’t ever experience real time with my friends which breaks my heart.

    Sending you love and hope.

  3. There seems to be a lot of that going around, and around my house in particular. I hope you find a source of peace that can satisfy your longing.

  4. I just read what Brooke said – I third that 100%. With all that going on, it makes sense for your heart to be doing some spring cleaning, in a sense, dealing with the pain and loss, looking forward to how the changes you’re working towards are going to impact things. ❤

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