getting down-in-the-dirt real
I don’t cry that much anymore, I mean in general. Since M came into my life, I’ve been too busy or tired to cry even in the most upsetting moments. I’ve also been happy a lot of the time, at least, as happy as I’ve been since a brief time in my early 20s when I consider myself to have been “happy” in general. Also, since becoming a mom, relationships that weren’t healthy began to totally lose their appeal to me. I used therapy (both self-help and professionally) to dig myself out of crippling anxiety and depression prior to fostering, and found myself less attached to the things (and people) that caused me suffering in life. I felt like I had my shit together, emotionally speaking. Losing Avalon doesn’t count either, because that was genuine loss and grieving. I coped with it as well as anyone can cope with the death of their child. Then I got busy being a foster/adopt mom, dealing with behaviors, and school, and everything else. I thought I’d forgotten everything else.
But last night? I was up until 11, crying. My sweet and healthy daughter was curled up next to me, the one bright joy of my life. I was uploading some files from my laptop onto a cloud drive (my own writings, mostly) and then started looking at pictures from back in the day. I am somehow emotional (not PMSing, thank you very much) and listening to a lot of Evanescence and Staind (which explains a lot by itself). I feel a void sucking at me that I haven’t felt since my old poetry days. The feeling that something bigger than me, bigger than the world, is in front of me, just not visible.
Maybe the planets have aligned in a certain way that is affecting my sense of time, my emotions, and my mood. Maybe the mists between the worlds have thinned a bit where I am. Maybe I’m finally remembering who I am other than “mommy” all the time, or maybe I don’t even know who I am other than mommy nowadays. Maybe I’m suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety) in a way I’m unfamiliar with. Maybe I’m truly just ready for a huge life change. Maybe I want or need to run away. Maybe my heart is broken. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m alone, and lonely. Maybe being a mom without a community is not a natural state for a human being. Maybe I don’t belong here. Maybe something has to change, or I’ll collapse. I’ll implode.
Categories: life in general