frustrated and no wine

I am so not in a good mood these days. Sometimes it’s too much. I realize I don’t work in a factory for pennies and we aren’t homeless or destitute or all those other terrible things. I’m trying to practice gratitude. But oh my gosh. I jinxed myself with that blog post about how wonderful my three-year-old is. She has morphed into a full-time whiner the past few days, demanding and whining and crying and being really impossible.

Part of the problem is the weather. I’m frustrated to the point of tears that it’s freezing cold and raining. Once again, after  6 months of being stuck inside, we are stuck inside! It’s enough to make you go insane.

Here’s some more whining for ya (gee, wonder where my daughter gets it):

  • My raised beds aren’t done yet. The dirt isn’t delivered. Why? Because it’s freezing and pouring rain (so technically not freezing, but at this point I’d take snow over cold mud).
  • I have an infection. Somewhere I’d rather not speak of pubicly.
  • My daughter won’t stop begging me for candy. I came home from work late (9:30pm) and she was wide awake, not in pajamas, watching cartoons and eating fruit snacks. My mom is so not even bothering anymore. It’s easier for her to let M run the show than it is to fight with her about the rules.
  • Also… so sick of kids youtube and the freakin’ surprise egg/kinder egg/opening presents videos. I’m so close to deleting it except it’s the only way to get a rest in in the afternoon.
  • I’m broke. I’m doing way better on spending but the bottom line is that I’m spending $390-$474 per pay period week, per 2 weeks, on childcare now that my mom is too tired/overwhelmed to watch her a lot. So our dock still isn’t in, our boat isn’t in, I no longer get morning coffee or whatever going to work, and don’t ask me how I’ll afford to get any of the gardening going. My poor neighbors will be dealing with a nasty looking yard and lakefront.
  • Speaking of broke… no more cleaning people coming. It’s too much money. (They charged $80 per cleaning.) I can’t find anyone to do it for $50 a week. I’m back to cleaning the house, and it’s beyond irritating. My cats poop on the floor, and throw up, all the time. They are old but ugh. Also there was a mouse, a real mouse, because my mom and daughter have crumbs everywhere all the time. I feel like a cleaning lady in my own home and I’m back to wanting to just leave every day, all day.
  • I’m tired. I’m so tired it’s all I can do to stay awake sometimes. It becomes impossible to be patient with my daughter, or grandma. I’d ask my doctor to see what’s wrong with me but, oh wait, they did that 3x already and the answer is nothing.
  • Speaking of daughter and grandma, I took them both to look at an assisted living facility today and it was exactly like having two three-year-olds. They ate through the entire container of snacks I brought in 5 minutes and complained they were hungry every ten minutes thereafter, they fought over what we got for lunch and ate my share, too. I guess I’m just a chauffeur, nanny, mortgage-payer, grocery buyer, cleaning lady to everyone. It’s easy to forgive the three year old for that, a little harder with everyone else.

I’m venting and whining here, but sometimes I truly feel unhealthy, mentally. I feel like I do nothing but clean up after, feed, look in on, and nag everyone around me. I feel like a prisoner in my life a lot of the time. A prisoner who would like to stay in bed for 48 hours straight, waking only to stuff my face with cinnamon rolls and red wine.

And if you are going to leave a comment saying “Take care of yourself, do something for you!” I get it, but unless someone is going to babysit, work, or clean my house for me, that isn’t an option.

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10 Comments »

  1. I SO hear you on so many fronts. At the end of the month I have no nickels to rub together. And it SUCKS. I feel like I’ll be poor until Evelyn is in public school, childcare is killing me.

    The other day I was feeling majorly sorry for myself – I’m the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, takes out the trash, pays all the bills. No one ever rubs my back or hell, gets the groceries. Damnit I want those things just even once a month!

    Anyway, we can have a pity party together any time. And if it makes you feel any better I don’t have any wine either. 😦 Just lots of WHINE.

  2. It’s okay to be frustrated! You try so hard to keep it all together and you’re doing a great job. It’s very hard, raising a child and working full time, even when your hours are not impossible to find care around like those of a nurse. You’re a single mom – it’s one of he hardest things in the world to do, and then you have your grandmas care on top of it all lending more pressure and guilt…. You are doing great. Really. If you complained twenty times this much, you’d still be doing great. Xx.

    My boy is 11 and still goes through mouthy moments where everything is met with resistance and complaints, even buying him a treat. Vent away, friend. Lots of people understand exactly where you’re coming from and it doesn’t make you a lesser person or a bad mom.

  3. I hope writing this was cathartic and you throw out the fruit snacks! I would be furious if my mom were giving my kid that crap. I am so damn tired too. And in so much pain. And I can’t get the doctor to keep looking for a cause.

      • I understand. But also, they are still mostly sugar and not real food. I hate coming home and finding a mess and more work for me to do. I had to nag my dad for over a month to fix the toilet and then he blamed it on me that it was broken (since I replaced the insides of the tank 10 months ago because the seal was leaking and rotting the floor out…).

      • Having been dealing with this pain and fatigue, I concur. If I imagine adding my 92 year old gramma to the mix, I know I wouldn’t be able to do it.

  4. It actually does get better. And total understanding and empathy. I a been there done that, and time passed on and things changed. It isn’t easy, it does get better ~ just keep breathing and loving your daughter.

  5. I think this is your blog, and you should feel free to let loose and vent! You need somewhere you can say what’s on your mind without apology. And beyond that, I would say to try to remember that this is temporary? I mean, it may last for far longer than any of us would choose, but it will end. Things will change. You’ll find a place for your grandma, M will hit a different stage, your mom will have some relief when your grandma isn’t next door, and have more energy to deal with M… It’s completely understandable that you’re overwhelmed. But maybe trying to keep hold of the knowledge that things will change will help you get thru it. ❤

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