leaving my life
Had a breakdown today. My grandma went to the ED, I stopped by and completely lost it. The case worker there was totally a bitch and not even nice about the fact that she had no options for me. That’s fine, though, not everyone is good at their job and she’s one of them. One of the excellent caregivers we have hugged me and told me I just need to set this down and walk away, for my own sanity. Her pep talk was so nice and it felt good to just be heard. My uncle was trying to offer to pay me to do this and is he fucking kidding me?! Not only is it not about money, but I’d pay not to have the job!
I’m also real fucking broke. As in, not living within my means broke. Mostly because a third of my check is going to childcare at the moment. Holy shit. Yes it’s better for M, and for my mom. But not sustainable when it comes to the bottom line. I have one option, I think, and that’s to leave my job and work at an office somewhere so I can have regular childcare. FML.
Also I’m wanting to just leave. Leave the lake. Move away. No one is taking me seriously about the fact that I can’t do it all anymore so maybe that will drive home the point? No dudes, I’m seriously out of town. Like, permanently. I need to find a job and childcare that matches hours. I need to find a rhythm and a sense of order. I need to get out of this mess and start over. I need to be a mom first and foremost.
Last and perhaps least (at least it really feels that way), there’s me. I do 12 hour shifts taking care of my patients and their families. I am really good at it. I am not a bitch to them. I advocate for them. I give it my all. I bitch about it behind closed doors but out there as their nurse I really do a good job. I go the extra mile for them. I come home 14 hours later and I’m a mom. I also have a mom, who I worry about and who I’ll someday have to go through this with. I’d like to know, who in the fucking hell gives a shit about my mental or physical health? Who really cares if I’m stressed and pushed too hard? One person really, truly cares. My daughter. She depends on my well-being for her own. She needs me to look out for me because there’s no one else to do it. She needs me to be the best mom I can be and I can’t be that in this situation. She needs me to come to the table every day with a full tank, and I’m showing up on empty most of the time.
It’s unacceptable. I’m 31 and I don’t really know the last time I anyone really looked at me and said, “you’re doing a lot for everyone, but is that really good for you?”
Some commenters asked about my mom. She is actually doing more than anyone. She’s willing to fire and hire people in order for my grandma to stay at home. She’s the one watching M for me when I need her to. She’s filling in when caregivers call in or arrive late or whatever. My grandma does not want her to do anything for her. Don’t know what the beef is about, but somewhere along the way my grandma decided she didn’t want my mom to do anything. She’s mean to and dismissive of her. So yeah, my mom is doing what she can, and it’s a hell of a lot more than what her siblings are doing, and a lot more than what I’m willing to do anymore. So credit where credit’s due. The rest of us are ready to ship her to assisted living, and my mom’s willing to keep going with the home staff. If she doesn’t want my mom’s help it looks like she’s SOL.