a cry for help (in a forest with no one around to hear it)
I’m losing it today. It’s cold and rainy first of all, and what the hell is new? Back when I could spend the day curled up with a good book or netflix binge, this wouldn’t have mattered. But being stuck inside all day with a very active and energetic three-year-old who constantly creates a mess in her wake, well it’s more than exhausting. It’s fucking miserable. Also, after working I wake up to a floor so dirty things crunch when I walk on it. There are gnats buzzing around dried stickiness on counters, and I’m concerned about finding more mice in the house as the cats are getting old. Once again I’m back to either a) clean the house grumpy as hell or b) get out and avoid the house all day then return and clean the house grumpy as hell. Today I chose option b.
I’m feeling very uncomfortable in my body right now. Like, I’ve never weighed this much. I’ve always felt sluggish, but when I tried to exercise yesterday for seven minutes via the 7-minute workout app, I nearly died. I don’t feel good after exercise, never have, but I think I need to space it out or start smaller or something. I’ve done a lot better with eating, and cooking at home. Cooking is starting to feel less awful, and more enjoyable. So there’s that, at least. Eating healthier at home has been a success, but at work? TOTAL FAIL. It’s nurses week, and donuts, cookies, cake, Jimmy John’s, Subway, Chinese, dove ice cream bars, etc etc etc. And every nurse on the planet likes to stress eat so… yeah. I’ve been awesome at not buying food there, so saving lots of money and bringing food from home. But not really eating the food at home because, you know, junk. Junk everywhere. And I have the willpower of a marshmallow puff.
Then there’s my child. The love of my life who, when I’m in these foul moods, has the capacity to make me totally and completely insane. More insane than I should be. For all the talk about gentle discipline and respectful parenting, there are times when I fuck up. My kid is, for right now anyway, a total klutz. She spills everything. Not on purpose, just constantly. I was already cleaning as she sort of followed behind me dumping and spilling and I totally snapped, lifted her up with “electricity in my arms”, placed her on the other side of the room, and walked away. She was crushed, of course, but it took me a few minutes to calm down enough to apologize. I’m that strung out, guys. She spilled water. Water. Big fucking deal and it was an accident! I am just at the end of my rope and the spilling is for some reason getting under my skin. Also the cat chasing. My cat Devi is old and now she won’t even come out because M mercilessly chases her and harasses her. It makes me so angry I can’t see straight.
Let’s just say that today I wasn’t the mom I aim to be. I just try to apologize and do better. But I can’t lie… I’m having a bad time of it and I feel pathetic about my mood.
On the bright side, she did great in swimming today and had lots of fun. I’m still over the moon about the swim school she goes to now, because it’s just so good for her, so nurturing, so excellent for young children. Her teacher raves about how well she does in the water and her shenanigans are not an issue, as they are age-appropriate. The teachers deal with it with humor and grace and gentle redirection. Wish I could say I do the same, at least more often!
Then we spent some of the day at the children’s museum (we still have a membership from a gift at her adoption!)… she got to see live frogs and salamanders, and then had an excellent time putting human skeleton puzzles together. It was packed but we didn’t mind. There’s always plenty to do there. At home we snuggled watching YouTube, and then I did a real life “egg hunt” for her where I put random things in plastic Easter eggs around the house. She loves the game. Now we are on our second Disney movie, have had our dinner, and are chillin’ as best we can while I clean the house here and there.
Really, what am I even complaining about?