how can I still be here?
It is cold and rainy, as it is every day this spring it seems. M and I have fallen asleep in the middle of the day after preschool, and a trip to the library. I wake up at 5:30pm and feel a cold dread sweep over me. Want to know why? Because I feel like I don’t want to be here. First of all, the house stinks of poop. Sure enough, one of the cats has gone outside of the litter box. I clean the litter box, swearing and feeling agitated the whole time. As I scrape at the sides and scoop out the nasty chunks, I repeat like a mantra, “I want to leave, I want to leave, I want to leave”. M watches.
Agitated is really how I feel, a lot of the time, when I’m home. And I don’t exactly feel better at work, to say the least. I can’t wait until I can leave, and when I’m home I also can’t wait til I can leave. Is this normal???
My temper feels hair-trigger. It’s all I can do not to snap M’s head off at every turn or push her away when she needs me. I look around and see work. Not inspiring or satisfying work, but stuff I just really hate doing and don’t want to do. The litter is one example, and I see dirty dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor, dirty clothes in a pile… same things I see every day. Except instead of accepting it as part of domestic bliss, I feel like my blood starts to boil. Then I feel panicky. Then I feel I’m going to cry. I hate this SO much! I find myself thinking, without even defining what “it” is.
Then I feel totally overwhelmed by the thought of doing something or being somewhere else. Where should I be? What should I be doing? I have no fucking idea. I mean, I have some ideas but none are even close to feasible (you know, not working but still having the means to eat and put a roof over our heads). How can I find what I’m looking for? Where do I start? What should I do? The thoughts swirl and whirl and my chest tightens with anxiety. The tears come.
I don’t like being a nurse. If I’m going to be honest teaching English to kids sounds a little better, but not a million times better, because you know, I never wanted to be an English teacher or any type of teacher. I’d rather work with adults in all honesty but that’s not an opportunity teachers without English degrees usually get. I don’t have any other skills. I don’t like business nor does running a business sound even the least bit interesting.
There is only one thing in my life that is 100% certain and solid. I love my daughter and I love being her mom. Without her in my life I would be 100% more miserable than I feel now. I adore her, I ache to be better for her, I need to be. Of that there is no question.
But the rest? I’m lost. I may end up screaming and never stop.