I got to spend the day with my grandma yesterday. I dropped M off at day care, asking her to be strong and stay at school so I could help Gigi. Bless her heart, she really tried, and didn’t cry or cling to me, just watched me leave forlornly. I hate leaving her, but this is the one instance in which I’m willing to do it.
I sat by my grandma’s side, helped her wash up, and saw her transfer to hospice through. At one point she told me she loved me, and said that I always “got” her, and was always like her, even though her three kids weren’t. She said I was the one person who took her advice and saw things like she did, and she’s right. Over the years I’ve repeated that advice often: (Don’t wander around the store forever, ask someone where to find it! Choose your battles. Ask for directions on the road. Always plan your route ahead and have a back up map and supplies in your car. Be prepared. Family is everything, always be there for your family.)
The most tear-jerking part of the conversation was when she said to me, “You have to take care of your mother. And make sure she’s not left out. I don’t want her left out of anything because she’s been here for me every day.” My grandma has spent her whole life worrying about and looking out for her only daughter. She’s given her a safe place and been the rock my mom could always lean on. I promised her that from now on I will give my mom a safe place. Of course it’s an easy promise to keep, because she’s my mom, so I will always make sure she’s ok. It’s just such an insight into what goes on in my grandma’s head: she’s just worried about us. She wants to take care of everyone, manage everything, make sure we’re alright.
I returned with M in the evening, and she was very confused and drifting in and out of consciousness. It’s the most confused I’ve seen her. I wished I could stay there and keep reassuring her, but with M it’s impossible. I have to work today and tomorrow, but I think I’ll stay the night with her in between. She is so comforted when I’m with her. I never imagined the day when I would be her rock. But I’m happy to be it right now.