my happy ending

It’s been one month here in the city by the sea. Where was I before I came here? My memories feel dimly lit. A haze of pain, disappointment, restlessness, and melancholy clings to them. A fog drifts through and covers them. What is there to look back at? Happiness feels so much less inspiring when it comes to writing. And so very much more private. Pain is universal, pain is something I could shout out to the world, and all of your echoes back to me eased the ache. But happiness? It’s just so intensely mine. I couldn’t possibly fling it out here so recklessly. And so, it seems I’ve found my path, and it wasn’t anything like what I thought it would be. It’s more perfect than that. Life as a blogging single mom traveler enticed me because it meant I’d be out there, away, anywhere but where I was. But now? I like where I am. I am home. My life branches out before me, full of all the promises that used to ring empty. Every where I turn to look feels bright and hopeful. It’s dazzling, how quickly that all changed. And all I did was jump… jump right out of the old and into the new. My faith has paid off. Thank you to all of the bloggers over the years that kept me sane. Thank you for your likes and comments. Thank you for the posts […]

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when I love it I really love it

It’s the eve of my first day at work but I think I will be in an office type building doing some kind of orientation… So not real patient care yet. I spent the day figuring out the Muni system. M and I took it to an indoor playground, then up the opposite way to the hospital. It’s easy to use and there are lots of apps to tell you which route and when the next bus is. Easy peasy. Hopefully it will stop pouring rain eventually and I can ride my bike. Things I love about SF already that make me feel like I’m in the honeymoon stage of a relationship: 1) My face and legs and everything else are not freezing when I walk out the door. Also, there is no snow or ice on my car to scrape off. 2) Parents speak to their children with patience, kindness, and respect, even when the child is completely losing it. It’s like a different planet than the Midwest, the way people are parenting here. And it rubs off on me… Sure I constantly strive to not punish or threaten ever, but gosh it’s so much easier when everyone around me is parenting the same way! 3) There is so much to do, everywhere. We never have to repeat activities (if we don’t want). I got so sick of the handful of things to do with kids in my part […]

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sixth day in SF

Coming up on the one week mark and getting ready to actually start working. My brain cannot even comprehend how it’s going to go. I’ve worked at the same place since a year before nursing school ended, that’s 10 years. I’ve never been a nurse anywhere else. I brought along a few things I absolutely “need” (needle drivers, pen light, coban) and they use the same charting system at the new hospital, a major plus. But still. Will I hate it? Will I be given shitty/crap assignments every single time? Will the other nurses despise travelers? Will the manager be friendly? Will I just want to go home every single day? Will I regret ever doing this? Ugh. Pre-first day jitters are the worst. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’ve been an ICU nurse for almost 8 years at one of the largest and best hospital systems in the world. I’ve worked with world-class physicians and their fellows, residents, and interns. My patients and families almost always like me and want me back. I don’t have to get involved in any drama. It’s only for 13 weeks. Think of the money! Eye on the prize… that first paycheck on 1/20 for about $3600! I can rock this out. I can do it.

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big day in the city

I’m exhausted. Today we were up bright and early to get M to her new school. It seems like it will be a good fit, and it’s about 15 minutes away by car. I don’t mind driving in the city, but gosh, things that seem close miles-wise can take some time to get to! She did great on her first day, and even let me leave half-way through. They brought her out to the car at pick-up (our first experience in a “line”) and said she did great. She told me she had fun, most importantly. I know she misses her old school and her dear friends and teachers there, but she will be super excited to see them in April! I’m just relieved that we found something affordable that fit her needs. They had tons of spaces with lots of types of activities, indoor and out. It’s not Montessori, but it will do just fine. After school, my friend Saba and her parents and kids came to check out our place. They were pretty impressed! Then we all headed out to Pier 39, because Saba’s dad is in the USA for the first time and hasn’t seen anything yet. The kids had tons of fun chasing pigeons, riding the carousel on the pier, spotting sea lions, and dancing to the busker music. I am so happy that I have so many great places to explore and friends to do […]

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hello from the other side!

Well, we are here! After 9 states (counting our home state), 6 hotels, one stay with a relative, three time zones, and some amazing side trips (old plaza in Albuquerque, Grand Canyon, hiking in Sedona, the Mojave Desert, Highway 1 and Big Sur), we are happily settling into our San Francisco life. We arrived yesterday where it was pouring rain and gloomy as hell, but our spirits lifted when we got into the apartment and found it to be lovely and old-fashioned, with crown molding and beautiful french doors separating the rooms. No open floor plan (I hate those)! The kitchen is so large compared to what I’m used to at home, with a full table and four chairs. The living room is able to be closed off completely, so my mother is able to fold out a bed in there and have her own room. The bathroom has a separate room with the bath, and one with the toilet. The bathtub is a clawfoot tub, lovely for baths! We have a private patio which is enclosed with a locked gate, so M can go outside worry-free. She has her own playroom, too. We also have wifi, a full cable line up, and of course I don’t have to worry about any of the utilities because it’s all included! The rental company is awesome. I had an issue with the TV (half the screen isn’t working) and they sent someone […]

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it’s the red socks

They are cursed. When I wear red socks to work I have awful days. I only wear them at Christmas so maybe it’s Christmas that is just awful. Today is overtime and for sure my last time working on this unit before California, and it could not be worse. Bad docs, bad patients, bad family members. Yesterday was misery for me. I basically just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. But we had a play date arranged with a co-worker from work and her daughter, and we went. I’m so glad I did! We ended up going for a walk (in the dark, but it gets dark at like 5) and then going sledding. M loved sledding, she was into it, head first and fast as a rocket down the hill, no fear. My friend treated us to gluten-free pizza, too, and surprisingly it was good. I so needed to get out of my own head and be around normal, nice, easy people. It was sort of a surprise Christmas gift, as I’ve never hung out with this co-worker before and in fact we’ve only had one conversation ever. It was like the universe took pity on me and my pathetic-ness for one afternoon, reminding me that things can and will be ok. I will meet nice people, I will make friends, I won’t always be alone in the world. In fact, I’m not always alone in […]

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I’m moving and I’m unprepared

I feel totally unprepared to be moving to San Francisco in three weeks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do about health insurance yet! And packing? I’m sort of frozen. Should I be doing something else? We’re just going to pack and drive and show up. I have all the hotel rooms booked for the cross-country drive. I supposed I should make some sort of packing list… I have no idea if everything will fit in the car but some foggy image in my mind of. like, strapping suitcases to the roof with bungee cords. I’d feel better if I had a contract scheduled for April. Of course I just got the January contract so why would I have an April contract yet? I wouldn’t. I just wish I knew where I’d be working already. I guess it’s a little pre-life change jitters going on. One thing for sure is that I’m bored as fuck at home. I’ve been getting headaches a lot, and staring around my cluttered and messy house with that sinking awful feeling again. That feeling where you  just have nothing to look forward to all day. It’s grey and cold and awful here, and there is literally nothing to do. If I wasn’t leaving I think I’d lose my damn mind!

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