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it’s the red socks

They are cursed. When I wear red socks to work I have awful days. I only wear them at Christmas so maybe it’s Christmas that is just awful. Today is overtime and for sure my last time working on this unit before California, and it could not be worse. Bad docs, bad patients, bad family members. Yesterday was misery for me. I basically just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. But we had a play date arranged with a co-worker from work and her daughter, and we went. I’m so glad I did! We ended up going for a walk (in the dark, but it gets dark at like 5) and then going sledding. M loved sledding, she was into it, head first and fast as a rocket down the hill, no fear. My friend treated us to gluten-free pizza, too, and surprisingly it was good. I so needed to get out of my own head and be around normal, nice, easy people. It was sort of a surprise Christmas gift, as I’ve never hung out with this co-worker before and in fact we’ve only had one conversation ever. It was like the universe took pity on me and my pathetic-ness for one afternoon, reminding me that things can and will be ok. I will meet nice people, I will make friends, I won’t always be alone in the world. In fact, I’m not always alone in […]

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self-care

I’m going through a bad spot in my emotional health, so many repetitive painful thoughts dominating my head space. So I’ve been trying to dig through my old bag of tricks for this type of depression, things that I painstakingly learned when I went through this for a long time in my 20s (and had a wonderful therapist). 1) Act “as if”. Acting as if I’m fine and as if it’s a normal day is not the same thing as denial, because it’s supposed to be used as a tool to get you out of bed and get out of wallowing. Go ahead and make coffee, clean the house, go for a walk, run errands. Don’t lie in bed in fetal position for more than an hour. 2) Give yourself permission. Permission to feel bad, really really bad, for as long as you have to. 3) Turn off the tapes. The tapes on repeat in your mind are damaging. Turn them off even if it means listening to political podcasts. It’s unnecessary to play things over and over… once you’ve had a thought, you don’t need to think it again times 1000. 4) Run new tapes. Tell yourself that you are ok, you are lovable,  you are strong, you have gotten through things before and you will again. Remind yourself that nothing is permanent, even and especially feelings. Find quotes that make you feel inspired or stronger and repeat them in your mind. […]

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slogging through

This last week has been, um, a major flop. I used some PTO and had nearly the whole week off, but other than getting some things done, it was just depressing. I had no one to talk to all day (I mean I had my mom and M, but otherwise) and just kept feeling lonely and bored and crying a lot. Pretty pathetic. But honestly, is there anything worse than day after day of sitting in yet another play area alone for hours on end, while my kid gets out energy, and while I just… watch other moms with their friends chatting away? Then I worked my last 3-day stretch at work. As nostalgic as I feel about 9 years at this particular hospital, 7 years in the same unit, I did not get the usual potluck send off or card. I’m not sure they care a bit that I’m going, not so much as a thank you for your time here! Maybe it’s best I’m moving on… maybe I’ll find a place where I make friends or at least feel like there a few people I connect with. And not just at work, but in general. This last week at home I’m hoping to stay busy and not dwell on all that I feel is missing and all that I wish I had. I’ve made appointments and tried to set up play dates… Christmas day itself is going to […]

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Crunch time

My to-do list is no longer a tool for mental organization, it’s a living entity that must be paid attention to every single day! I have five days off before our move, plus Christmas Day! Today I managed to kick serious to-do list ass, contacting insurance agents, my agency nurse advocate (and her extensive documentation list), submitting more paperwork than I can describe, oil change and wiper replacement for my car, wrapping Christmas presents, grocery shopping for our corn/gluten/soy/dairy-free road trip (with a friend who introduced me to the complex yet oh so cheap Aldi’s), cooking dinner for tonight and tomorrow while I work, and taking M to her final swimming lesson. Whew!  Yesterday I dropped a drug test urine sample, and today was scheduled for vaccine titers and a color blindness test. (There is so much of this in travel nursing. It’s nuts.) I’ve also completed several online skills and policies exams for the facility and still have another one to do. All 7 of our road trip hotels have been booked (thanks Hotwire for super cheap hotel deals, most at comfort inn level for less than $50 per night), our apartment, preschool, swimming and gymnastics set up. I have helmets, a bike lock, and tandem attachment, as well as a bike rack for my car (just need to pick up the bike). I have a packing list. My grandma’s cat has a new home and my cat has […]

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don’t it always seem to go…

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my daughter Avalon’s birth and death. I had a wicked stomach bug and therefore did nothing… didn’t go to the cemetery, didn’t blog. I did spare a few moments, though, to really think about who this little girl might have been. I honestly can’t imagine having a different child than the one I already have. I couldn’t have them both, either, as M’s due date was in mid-March, and Avalon’s was May 7th. It was always going to be one or the other, there is no scenario in which they’d both exist, simultaneously, with me as their mother, or as sisters. And so I find that my grief for the deceased daughter is tangled up in my overwhelming love and gratitude for the existing one. It always begs the question: how can I wish that she had not died, without wishing my daughter M away? That’s not even why I decided to blog tonight. I wanted to write about all of the ambivalence I’m having about traveling. The most comforting thought, to me, is the money. I need it. I’m not making ends meet as things are, so something has to change. There’s no way around that. But after a teacher’s conference today, a Christmas concert, and after much reflection on what went wrong in Nepal, I’m starting to think that constant moving is not in M’s best interest. You see, she has two teachers, both […]

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snow day

We have spent the whole day in the house. Anyone who knows me knows that this is my personal nightmare! But we’ve had an ok day… puzzles, play doh, painting, bubble bath, cooking and baking. I’ve cooked a ton and done some cleaning. Now it’s only 6:30pm and I’m just wondering how we survived this day! My best cooking to […]

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conversations with M

Well since you already bought them… Me: Yes, on Christmas there will be presents under the tree, from me, and grandma, and- M: NOOOOO! Me: What? M: Not from you, mommy, from Santa! Me: From Santa but also from me. M: NO! I don’t want presents from you! Only from Santa! Me: So should I take the presents I bought back to the store? M: Wait, are they in the trunk right now? Mom asks for a lot Me: Are you going to get mommy something for Christmas? M: Yes. A glove. Me: One glove? Can I maybe get two gloves, one for each hand? M: Oh mommy, alright. Fine. Been there done that Me: After Christmas, we’re going to go on a big trip, to a place that’s a lot warmer. We’re going to a place called California. M: Again??? Nothing is as fun to say as “poop” Me: How was school? Did you do anything fun? M: Yes. I played with… POOP! *wild laughter* Me: Ewww. Yucky. Did you play with any friends? M: Yes, my friend POOP! Me: What did you have for lunch? (Should’ve stopped here.) M: …POOP! The Fossil Book Every night we read stories, and for some time M has been choosing to read a beginner reader book (ages 6-7) which has chapters and a few small pictures on each page and it’s all about fossils. The four types of fossils, the way fossils […]

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